July 2011 is when I first began to get the glimmers of the idea that no matter what, I will just not be cool in this lifetime.
The setting: the Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, Concourse C. I was flying to Chicago to visit my cousin (who is, despite her repeated denials, cool) and I decided to obtain ice cream. Ben and Jerrry's ice cream to be exact.
Well, of course my gate was at the farthest point from where I stood- so I had to get ice cream before making the long walk down the concourse. I settled on mint chocolate chip on a sugar cone- sounds tasty, right? Well, if you are a klutz carrying all your luggage since you were determined NOT to check a bag but don't own a small enough roller bag...ice cream in a cone is a poor choice. I had 2 bags (purse and carry-on) slung over one shoulder, snoopy jacket around my waist (for the cold of the plane), and the ice cream cone in the one hand. I had planned to sit there and eat my treat, but while I was ordering, the empty area had filled to the brim with people who had laptops and lattes.
So, I decided to walk to my gate.
Bad idea.
The ice cream, while nice and soft, immediately started running down the side of the cone- onto my hand. As I walked, I had to dodge dozens of people because again, the terminal magically became the most popular place to be!
As I walked and saw perfectly good ice cream drip to my hand, I thought, "let me just lick that up before it hits the ground." And as I did, someone darted in front of me, causing me to startle and mush the ice cream onto my face. So I can't see out of one lens of my glasses- it is covered in green minty goodness- and my nose is freezing for the same reason.
People are slowing to stare at me now- and of course I chose to walk in the very center of the terminal so more people can see this show. I reach up to wipe my face with the arm laden with bags while at the same time steering myself closer to a gate, any gate so that I can stop walking.
As I wipe my nose, my carry-on bag loses its grip and slides down off my shoulder- followed by my purse. I can't pick them up off of my elbow because the other hand is occupied with the ice cream...and I still can't see out of one eye and my nose did not get thoroughly wiped. So here I am, hobbling down the terminal no longer eating the ice cream but letting it melt freely down my arm, my bags hitting my knees, and I have sticky green stuff with black specks all over my face.
Not a pretty picture.
I finally make it to a bathroom- yes, my ice cream came to the bathroom....and dumped my bags and gave myself an ice cream headache as I scarfed down the ice cream that you can see peeking over the cone. Once I got to the cone part, I had to move- I was blocking the line you see, so I inched to the outside of the bathroom, acting like I was nonchalantly waiting for someone in there while eating a cone. Once the cone was done, I mopped myself up and re-positioned the bags on my shoulder (which hurt after improperly getting them across the airport). I emerged from the bathroom able to see out of both eyes and no longer had green stuff running down my cheek, feeling victorious.
That feeling subsided, however, when a random kid pointed to me at my gate and said, "hey mommy! lookit- it's the lady who had snot on her face!"
Sigh. This is how I KNOW that cool and me just don't mix.
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